This last week has been a rough one for me, as everyone who follows me on Facebook knows, I have been praying and reaching out to God for guidance. As I started this fall semester of college I was very nervous about it. For the first time since beginning the journey of earning a degree I was about to take on 3 classes at one time and try to juggle the duties of being a mom, wife, and caregiver. On normal days just being a mom, wife, and caregiver are exhausting, not only physically but also emotionally and mentally. This last couple of weeks I have had to spend more time on homework and studying than I have since starting college, mostly because I am now getting into the heavier classes where a lot of the work is memory work and that for some is not a big deal but for me takes a bit extra. If I am not in class I am spending as much of my free time as possible working on homework, and I still don't feel like that is enough. I knew starting this out over two years ago it would be hard and we would have to learn to work together if this was going to work. What I, or even Roland, did not realize when I started this journey is just how bad and how much the PTSD and TBI would effect our lives. Going into this journey without that critical knowledge feels like we jumped off the diving board blindfolded. Now that we have hit the water it is more treacherous than we could have imagined.
With that being said, I have spent the last few weeks just praying and asking God for guidance on what I should do. I have sat and thought about the semesters to come and about how I can make it all work and the more I try to make it work the more I know deep down it won't work and the more I feel like God is telling me it can't work. I have only had two other times in my life when I have felt God was standing right there beside me telling me no this is not what I want for you and once I listened and once I didn't. The time I did not listen ended terribly, so I know now that when God is telling me something I need to listen to Him. I know that if I continue on the road I am on at the moment I run the risk of losing myself, my husband or my marriage. I am not willing to trade any of those things just so I can say I am a college graduate.
The more I sat and thought about all this I have started to think about why I wanted to go to college and to be a nurse in the first place. I wanted to be a nurse because I love helping people and being there for people. Being a nurse is not the only way I can help people and be there for them. However, I only decided to go to college and pursue a degree because I wanted to feel like I was worth something in the eyes of others. I don't want to feel like people look down on me because I don't have a college degree or because I'm just a stay at home mom and wife, but God has opened my eyes. Being a stay at home mom means I am teaching and caring for the precious children God entrusted me with, it means that I am doing the priceless work raising them to be God loving people who care and respect others. Being a wife is so much more than just doing laundry, cooking meals and cleaning (in our home, with all the invisible wounds my husband is caring around, it is much more).
What now? Now I listen to God. I finish up this semester in college and I put that on the back burner for now and maybe forever. God has given me a passion and talent for photography, I could go on forever about it but I will spare you all, lol. Photography is something I can work around my families needs and more importantly the needs of my husband. I can grow my abilities and talent around all the demands of my family and I can still love what I do and not feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown constantly.
Being an adult is not always that wonderful, however being a responsible adult who knows where the breaking point is and knows when to make the hard choices. I know some will not agree with me or agree with this decision but that is fine they do not have to, other people do not have to live my life, I do and I have to feel like I am being the very best I can be in anything God gives to me. I feel at peace with making this decision for me and for my family because I am not willing to give them up just so I can feel valuable in the eyes of others when my kids and husband know I am valuable to them.
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