Maxson baby # FIVE

This kids waiting for their surprise news we had for them. 

As most everyone already knows, yes Roland and I are expecting our 5th child. Yes we did know this could happen as we know what causes it. We are excited and happy about this and so are the kids.

Of course we have been getting the all so familiar question, "Are you planning on having more?" I can say honestly that we do not know, only God knows that. The reason I say this is because in the course of our 7 year marriage God has time and again shown us we are not the ones that can control this. Something many people do not know is that we only "planned" our pregnancy with Amelia. After we had her I was on birth control, we got pregnant on it and only 4 days after announcing it to people we lost that baby. Then back on the birth control I went and only a couple months later was pregnant again, this time we planned on not telling anyone until after the 12 weeks everyone says you should wait because I was scared of losing this baby. Very early on in that pregnancy I started bleeding a lot and passing very large clots of tissue, I was terrified that I was once again going to lose another baby. After 2 different visits to the ER they told me it was a threatened miscarriage. That is when I decided it was not a good idea to keep it to myself I needed to tell everyone so they could pray for my little baby because I didn't want to go through another loss. After that we ended up in the ER one more time due to the same thing. After a lot of tests and an ultrasound we were told we were still pregnant, however, they were sure I was pregnant with twins and we had lost one of them. After a long pregnancy I had a beautiful baby girl, Charlotte, so all the prayers in the beginning of that pregnancy worked a miracle. 

So after having Charlotte we were once again trying to prevent pregnancy and after no time at all we were pregnant again with Zeddrick. I must admit I was very shocked with him and when I took the test I did cry. Charlotte was only 6 months old and I was not ready to have another baby. However it didn't take long before I was thrilled to be having him and of course Roland was happy immediately. 

After we had Zeddrick it was back on the birth control we went, then before Zeddrick was a year old we were pregnant again, however we lost that pregnancy. After that pregnancy and those losses I didn't want to chance it so we went on 2 forms of birth control at the same time. Then 4 months later, we were pregnant again, that is our precious little Matias and I am so glad God gave him to us. After Matias Roland and I talked a LOT about what to do from this point because other than an IUD we had tried every form of birth control and none had worked for us. So we started talking permanent solutions, without going into to many personal details neither of us were comfortable with those options. That is when I decided to get an IUD, I figured there was no way I could get pregnant on that. Well as you can guess it I was wrong, I did, we had the IUD removed and we lost that baby within days. 

That is when I decided I could no longer do any form of birth control because it obviously didn't work for me. I couldn't keep going through finding out I was pregnant just to days or weeks later lose that pregnancy. Roland and I talked about it and prayed about it a lot. I prayed about it a lot and I felt like if I can trust God with other parts of my life, like my husband, my kids, my finances, my home and my future than why would I take this away from him? Why would I doubt his plan for us in this part of my life? Only God knows what my future holds and how many kids that it holds and I am at complete peace with giving this part of my life up to him. 

I feel completely honored and blessed that God would choose me to carry and raise 5 blessings. And if he chooses to give Roland and I more than that I will willingly and with a happy heart rise to the challenge of raising them in this world to be God loving and God fearing individuals. Because more then anything our world is in need of individuals that are warriors for his Kingdom. 

The moment we told the kids.

Amelia is super thrilled!

The kids are cold but very excited! 

Photography done  by j.n.l Photography

Listening to God's Voice

This last week has been a rough one for me, as everyone who follows me on Facebook knows, I have been praying and reaching out to God for guidance. As I started this fall semester of college I was very nervous about it. For the first time since beginning the journey of earning a degree I was about to take on 3 classes at one time and try to juggle the duties of being a mom, wife, and caregiver. On normal days just being a mom, wife, and caregiver are exhausting, not only physically but also emotionally and mentally. This last couple of weeks I have had to spend more time on homework and studying than I have since starting college, mostly because I am now getting into the heavier classes where a lot of the work is memory work and that for some is not a big deal but for me takes a bit extra. If I am not in class I am  spending as much of my free time as possible working on homework, and I still don't feel like that is enough. I knew starting this out over two years ago it would be hard and we would have to learn to work together if this was going to work. What I, or even Roland, did not realize when I started this journey is just how bad and how much the PTSD and TBI would effect our lives. Going into this journey without that critical knowledge feels like we jumped off the diving board blindfolded. Now that we have hit the water it is more treacherous than we could have imagined. 

With that being said, I have spent the last few weeks just praying and asking God for guidance on what I should do. I have sat and thought about the semesters to come and about how I can make it all work and the more I try to make it work the more I know deep down it won't work and the more I feel like God is telling me it can't work. I have only had two other times in my life when I have felt God was standing right there beside me telling me no this is not what I want for you and once I listened and once I didn't. The time I did not listen ended terribly, so I know now that when God is telling me something I need to listen to Him. I know that if I continue on the road I am on at the moment I run the risk of losing myself, my husband or my marriage. I am not willing to trade any of those things just so I can say I am a college graduate. 

The more I sat and thought about all this I have started to think about why I wanted to go to college and to be a nurse in the first place. I wanted to be a nurse because I love helping people and being there for people. Being a nurse is not the only way I can help people and be there for them. However, I only decided to go to college and pursue a degree because I wanted to feel like I was worth something in the eyes of others. I don't want to feel like people look down on me because I don't have a college degree or because I'm just a stay at home mom and wife, but God has opened my eyes. Being a stay at home mom means I am teaching and caring for the precious children God entrusted me with, it means that I am doing the priceless work raising them to be God loving people who care and respect others. Being a wife is so much more than just doing laundry, cooking meals and cleaning (in our home, with all the invisible wounds my husband is caring around, it is much more).

What now? Now I listen to God. I finish up this semester in college and I put that on the back burner for now and maybe forever. God has given me a passion and talent for photography, I could go on forever about it but I will spare you all, lol. Photography is something I can work around my families needs and more importantly the needs of my husband. I can grow my abilities and talent around all the demands of my family and I can still love what I do and not feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown constantly. 

Being an adult is not always that wonderful, however being a responsible adult who knows where the breaking point is and knows when to make the hard choices. I know some will not agree with me or agree with this decision but that is fine they do not have to, other people do not have to live my life, I do and I have to feel like I am being the very best I can be in anything God gives to me. I feel at peace with making this decision for me and for my family because I am not willing to give them up just so I can feel valuable in the eyes of others when my kids and husband know I am valuable to them.